Is Tom Ford Fucking Crazy?

Mar10

tom ford denim fur jacket

Remember when Tom Ford meant sophisticated and sexy?

Never mind. Tom Ford has lost its meaning as a brand and Tom Ford himself must have lost his mind.

Just look at this horrifying denim and fur jacket, priced at a baffling $5,590.00.

Stretch denim with dyed rabbit. Shouldn’t this be like $150 at Macy’s? I don’t understand! No comprende, Tom!

Here’s the back view, just so you have no illusions that the back is studded with Colombian emeralds.

tom forf denim 2

Notice how awful those puffy shoulders look. Even the collar is offensive.

I hope you’ll agree this is a very special piece, combining visual repulsiveness with astronomical price, and a suggestion of moral bankruptcy.

This will be a hard act to follow but Tom may be up for it.

Only one left at Neiman Marcus!

Apron Pants, Finally!

Jan16

Can you believe they only thought of this NOW???

How many times have we longed for something to tie over our pants that looked almost like a pair of faded jeans?

Well, the wait is over. These Apron Pants are just $300 but stock is low and they’re going fast.

I just wish they’d call these things chaps and get it over with.

Thank Junya For Raising The Bar

Sep28

This denim and wool jersey dress by Junya Watanabe says ‘FUN!’ or maybe ‘SUCKER!’

Either way, I know we all love trompe l’oeil fashion because we are all surrealists at heart.

You know what, this is just too stupid. There is no excuse for it. Tie your jeans around a dress if you feel you must but don’t pay $955 for Junya to fuck around like this. Don’t encourage him.

Here, look at the back.

Famed for his innovative ability to deconstruct silhouettes, Junya Watanabe designed this midi dress to look like two pieces in one. Detailed with a gathered asymmetric front, it’s cut from faded light-blue denim and black wool-jersey. We like it best paired with brogues.

When you walk, it will look even more upsetting.

Just wear brogues and hope no one recognizes you.

Net-a-porter, $955 and hurry, medium and large are already sold out.

Saint Laurent Shorts, $750

Sep19

Saint Laurent‘s high-rise denim shorts have been made in Japan and printed with stars – a signature motif. This pair has a frayed hem that gives them a love-worn finish. Style yours with a T-shirt and sneakers.

So….made in Japan? Is that supposed to justify the high price? Because ‘Japanese denim’ is a big deal for jeans snobs, unless you’re Japanese, then it’s ‘Made in the USA’ you’re looking for.

Here’s a close-up for your perusal:

I guess they’re trying to showcase the frayed edges, but is this feature really essential? Are you afraid that people will think your shorts are new?

You know what, go ahead and pay $750 for denim cut-offs if you’re that stupid. Be my guest.

Ner-a-porter, $750

Moschino Skirt: Ew!

Aug27

A playful, asymmetrical Moschino miniskirt in classic denim. 5-pocket styling. Button closure and zip fly. Unlined.

Playful is often a synonym for “awful” apparently. I know that when I wear something a little unusual, like my weird old silver sneakers, some idiot will say “What fun shoes!” They might just as well scream EW!

So let’s call this skirt Playful and Fun. It looks sort of like a big denim handkerchief, only worse.

From the back, it’s just sad.

Why doesn’t Moschino just fire that cunt already???

$550 at Shopbop

Faux Shearling Trim: No.

Aug22

At first glance, these jeans might be dismissed as merely ugly, but look again. They are hideous.

These flared jeans are trimmed at the cuffs with faux shearling and mixed-media embellishments – they are also cut shorter at the back to ensure they sit neatly over ankle boots or shoes.

God, why?

The shorter-at-the-back idea is a new twist, but aesthetically it is a solid failure. The people behind you will be frightened by the furry-looking things clinging to your hem.

Nothing is good here. The cut and stitching are unflattering, producing a cameltoe as an added insult.

Go ahead and buy these Toga jeans if you are completely nuts and need to waste $665.

Asymmetric Frayed Mini Dress

Aug12

Oh my god, how cute is this denim mini dress?!?

Marques’ Almeida’s dress is made from heavily frayed blue denim – a signature fabric from the label’s Fall ’15 runway. This mini-length style has been cut with a folded asymmetric skirt. Team yours with sneakers on off-duty days, or channel the show styling and wear it with metallic heels.

Just look at the detail here. It’s almost like origami, chewed by hungry little children in a faraway sweatshop.

Behold the rear view.

Imagine that back sash-thing gently flapping against your thigh. Paradise.

$615 at net-a-porter

Reclaimed Denim Jacket $1,200

Aug8

Now at first glance, you’ll just go “Ew, what the hell is that crap?” because you haven’t been told it’s a ‘hand-embroidered Maori Mask patch.’

So get this:

All embellishments are done by male artisans in Southern India.

What a wondrous statement! Why ‘male’ artisans? Why Southern India, when Maori are the indigenous people of New Zealand?

Most of all, why does Figue think we should pay $1,200 for this eyesore? Is it because…

each reclaimed vintage Levi’s denim jacket [is] sourced by Stephanie for its wash and fit.

Stephanie, whoever you are, you have some fucking nerve.

Oh Hell Yes

Aug1

Right?

We needed feather-trimmed denim shorts and now we have them. It’s like god is listening to our prayers.

Opening Ceremony ReWork refashions vintage denim and basic tees into a chic, feather-trimmed collection. Vintage Levi’s 501 and 505 jeans are reconstructed and rewashed into shorts and pants, while T-shirts are fashioned from soft cotton. Each piece is adorned with pink or white ostrich plumes.

What a chic and witty statement piece for only $150!

Finally, the $1,000 Patchwork Jeans

Jul28

Here is just what we’ve all been looking for: distressed patchwork jeans that are worth every penny of the $1,090 price tag.

Obviously, the work that goes into each pair of these Saint Laurent jeans is monumental. Look at all those little squares and rectangles, overlapped at random as if by blind pre-schoolers.

The patches remind me of those iron-on ones I used to get for my kid’s jeans, the kind that curl at the edges no matter how long you leave the iron on those fuckers.

I love the acid-washed color, too. That alone says “class.”

And here comes a big surprise: They are on sale for only $535, here! I am hoping Amal Clooney will discover these, they are just the kind of thing she loves – a flashback of 80’s Eurotrash at an inflated price.

Rest assured there is at least one person deluded enough to buy this atrocity, and she/he wears a size 27.

Hideous Denim

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